he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
