Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
