I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
