Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
