Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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