I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
