I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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