i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
