You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
