I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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