Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
