i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pants are for mortals
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
