The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
