I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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