When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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