I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize