Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
