I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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