it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
