I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize