I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Boobs speak an international language.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
