i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
