Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
