My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
