I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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