Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Life is so much better after having sex.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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