I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
