um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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