I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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