I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
