I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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