Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
