Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
