Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
