bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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