hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
