I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
