I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
