I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
