I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
