Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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