Betty ford says i'm here all night
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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