I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
