before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dignity is for republicans.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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