we have officially mastered the walk of shame
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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