her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
