Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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