Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
