its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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