I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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