Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
