You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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