Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
