i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
