new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
