The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
