you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
