While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
