my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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