what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
