My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
being pregnant is like rehab
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize