i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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