I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
