Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
