I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
