you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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