dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I love having hate sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
