I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my phone needs a breathalizer
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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