it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
